Self-respect Part 2: How to set healthy boundaries

Setting healthy boundaries isn’t easy, but it is a skill you can learn. Often, saying no is the most powerful way to respect yourself and protect your energy. This blog offers practical tools to help you clearly and confidently express your needs and wants in healthier ways.

INTRODUCTION

Expressing what you want can bring up fear. Thoughts like “Will I sound selfish?” “Will I be judged or disliked?” or “Will I be rejected?” are common and understandable.

Many of us were taught early on that saying NO was wrong or unacceptable. Over time, this can make it feel unsafe to assert ourselves. Yet in many situations, NO is the healthiest response—it’s an act of self-respect and a meaningful form of self-care.

Life is a series of choices, and every time you say YES to something, you are saying NO to something else

HOW TO SET HEALTHY BOUNDARIES

Here are some tips to help you set a boundary inspired by Anne Katherine’s book, “Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin” and from Nedra Glover Tawwab’s book, “Set Boundaries, Find Peace”

Before setting a boundary:

• Get in touch with your emotions. Feelings such as anger, resentment, exasperation, or exhaustion are often signs that a boundary is needed.
• Clarify your needs and wants. Reflect on what feels important in the situation and how it connects to your core values.
• Decide who to talk to and what to say. Be clear about the person you need to address and the message or request you want to communicate.
• Choose the right moment. Pick a time when you and the other person are more likely to be calm, present, and open to conversation.

While setting the boundary:

• Stay as calm as possible and grounded in your body.
• Start your statement with “I” to keep the focus on your experience rather than placing blame.
• Choose respectful, clear language. Say what you want or need using as few words as possible.
• Use a firm tone and a calm voice to reinforce your message.
• Pay attention to your non-verbal communication: aim to appear assertive rather than aggressive.
• If emotions rise or you start feeling reactive, allow yourself to take a break and return to the conversation later.

After setting a boundary:

• You might need to reassert your boundaries a second, third, or even fourth time. Consistency is key.
• Make sure your actions align with the boundaries you are setting. Model the behavior you are asking from others and stick to the words you’ve communicated.
• Remember, you are allowed to revisit your boundaries over time. Adjust them if they no longer serve your needs or support your well-being.

GENERAL ATTITUDE

I find the FAST acronym, developed by Marsha Linehan in the DBT program, to be a very useful guide for the attitude to adopt when setting boundaries. It provides a simple framework to stay respectful, clear, and confident while protecting your needs.

EXAMPLES:

• Be Fair: “I need some quiet time after work. I understand you were alone all day and you want to chat. How about we connect later when I’m can be more present.”

• Don’t Apologize: Instead of “I’m sorry, but I can’t help right now,” try: “I can’t help right now, but I’ll be available tomorrow.”

• Stick to Values: “I won’t be able to help set up the holiday decorations this year. I need to focus on my own family and self-care, but I’d love to contribute in another way, like helping plan Christmas dinner or preparing a dish in advance.”

• Be Truthful: “I feel uncomfortable when plans change at the last minute. I need a bit of notice so I can adjust and feel prepared.”

SETTING BOUNDARIES WITH YOURSELF

Every small choice we make affects our overall well-being. Establishing boundaries with ourselves can help us honor our needs, respect ourselves, and find greater peace. To start, here are some reflection questions to explore areas where self-boundaries might be helpful:

Relationship with Myself

• What kind of language do I use when I talk to myself?
• How do I react to difficult situations?
• How do I choose to spend my time and money?

Relationship with My Body

• What do I choose to eat and drink?
• Do I honor my hunger and fullness signals?
• Do I allow my body to move and exercise?
• Do I allow my body to rest when it needs it?

Relationship with Work

• How much time do I spend working each day?
• Do I allow myself to take breaks during the day?
• Am I taking days off when needed?
• Do I check emails or messages when I am off work?

Relationship with Technology

• How much time do I spend on my phone or on social media?
• What do I choose to post, like, or engage with?

CONCLUSION

Remember, setting boundaries takes practice and determination. If it feels challenging, counselling can provide support. A counsellor can help you identify what gets in the way, improve your communication patterns, and build more authentic, satisfying relationships with the people around you.

Book a session to discuss boundaries: mylifecounselling.janeapp.com